Hi, so today I need to vent. I really need to vent and I am so sad to say I don't want to vent by calling someone up because I don't want to "bring someone down" by all my bitchy complaining so thank god for this medium. That way people who are interested can read and well those who don't want to hear about another persons problem, well you can click the X...
So lets start with why I can't even call a friend to vent to...because that to me is mind boggling and yes I am totally admitting that I have an issue with myself that I have an issue with calling a friend to complain. Back in high school which doesn't seem that long ago in the scheme of things, I would have no issues picking up a phone and calling a gf up and telling her the scoop as to why I am pissed. But now a days its like people don't have the time to listen or they don't want you to bring them down with all your negativity and or drama or they're simply just to fricken busy to chat on the phone. This drives me mad, am I like the only person on this earth who doesn't have every fricken second of my day scheduled with some non sense mindless activity? Seriously, where did everyone's time go? even my friends who are childless....they just never seem to be able to answer the bloody phone, and I will be waiting on eternity if I were to ever expect a call from them.
It drives me nuts that people don't call me anymore to chat...its like if I get a call its for a specific reason...ok scratch that, I have one friend who will randomly call me up when she has a spare moment and I absolutely love it...how do people find fulfilment with empty words? Isn't a real live voice so much better and more intimate?!
So there, I don't get called and this in turn makes me not want to call others. And on the rare occasions that I do call, no one ever picks up their bloody phone which makes me wonder what is the point of trying to bring back good old telephone chatting?
Moving on to my main point, I am just starting to feel myself getting super irritated and out right angry with everyone around me. Its terrible, I can absolutely admit that, its not a good feeling when you only see the worst in people or you see the flaws...I hate it but for some reason lately, its been just staring me down, taunting me. AH!
I'll give an example, I was having some issues with someone, lets call them Zena, due to clashing personalities, and I had the support of an individual lets call them Alex from the beginning. Alex knew Zena and though they weren't close, individually they were close to me for reasons beyond either of our controls. It was due to the circumstances that we had to continually see each other, like co workers if you will...
So what drove me mad and what I am having a hard time letting go with is the fact that when I would see Alex, they would be raw raw raw I support you girl 100%, you are such a big person, I'm super proud of you and the way you're behaving etc etc and basically try to feed into my "ego" and at first I was touched but as time went on, I started to wonder why they never discretely and objectively told Zena, "hey I've noticed that you two are behaving in XYZ manner, and I can tell you from what I have seen that it is affecting [me] in this way". Its not even like I am asking for Alex to attack Zena on a personal level, by calling them a crazy hooha or mentally unstable....
So its not that I am hurt they never could say anything to Zena directly, its the fact that they were so cheerleadery when it was just us alone that drove me mad....and its like I just ....I can't! I get it if you don't want to be involved, don't but please don't go kissing my ass and acting like my personal support cheerleader when in reality if it came down to me needing your help, you would cower away like a coward. And that is just my whole issue....I feel like I am surrounded by repressed people who cannot share their feelings or opinions, because they want to keep the f**** peace.
OMG how do you live in a world where everyone is muted and you are not and most likely will never be....its exhausting and I hate it, and I don't know if its my issue or society's because you know how they say if an individual has a problem with everyone, its most like that individual who has issues as opposed to the others... Is that whats happening here? I don't fricken even know but I know that I am feeling so not relate-able to anyone in my life and its a really isolating feeling. I just feel as though everyone is so repressed and fake, telling you what you wanna hear, making sure everything in their lives are conflict free, they don't want opposing views ....everything has to be dandy and smooth and just picture f**** perfect. I hate it, I absolutely hate it....and maybe its the people I am surrounding myself with...come to think of it, everyone is middle class and doing just fine financially. Everyone is University educated coming from relatively decent families. Who fricken knows...maybe I'm over generalising right now when if I were to hang out with a different sub population, I would be encountering different types of people.
And the worst thing is when you see someone growing happier and happier the more you bad mouth about someone else or talk about someone else's misfortunes. Its like if you are that insecure with your own life and marriage that the only way you start cracking jokes and smiling is at the thought of someone else's weirdo atypical marriage then maybe just maybe you shouldn't be trying to make your life look so picture perfect....maybe just maybe that will take some pressure off you and your life. big H A.....HAAAA *sigh of relief to have said that out loud even if it is just to the internet ;)
I don't know, maybe its me who has all the issues and I have to start seeing the good in people instead of the bad, but frick me it is hard sometimes. There are always good in people for sure, I honestly know that but I just cannot stand the fakeness of it all. The fact that we just can't fully express what we think or how we feel because we want everything to be smooth and vanilla. We don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers, we want everyone to LIKE us blah blah blah....even if its at the expense of someone's else unhappiness....The fact that we can't defend others or god forbid get involved with other peeople's conflict even if it is to diffuse a situation....because god forbid that person then turns on us and we become *disliked".
Anyway I think thats all I wanted to vent about for now. Gosh I feel like so much head space has formed in my head now...thank you for reading and please do share what you think..good or bad :-)
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